Apparently, this question is null and void to my boyfriend. He told me the other day, while we were talking about me being accidentally vegetarian the past two weeks, that ultimately - he thinks "chubby is sexy" and I "could stand to gain a few pounds"... THE FUCK.
Before I get into anything else... My accidental vegetarian half month means that I just haven't eaten any meat. It's not that I'm trying, it's just what has happened without me thinking about it. I stepped on the scale today and I weigh 152.4 with clothes on before eating. I haven't been very hungry lately and I think it has to do with me not having a day off of work in like 2 weeks and counting. This new job has me working Tuesday through Friday and my other job has me working Saturday through Monday. No days off = exhausted me + money that I don't have any time to spend.
Back to the weight thing. It's really weird to me that he would say that I could stand to gain a few pounds. I'm not even skinny. Like, not even a little. It's sweet that he loves me enough that he doesn't really care what I look like anymore and doesn't pressure me into being a certain weight/way/anything. I love that he loves me for who I am and what I look like. But the fact that we (re)met when I was 130/135 is weird that he's now decided that chubby is sexy. Maybe he's just gotten so used to me being chubby that he feels I'm sexy? I don't know. But it's weird.
I feel conflicted. Do I care about my weight? Not really. Do I care about what my boyfriend thinks about my appearance? Well, yeah. Do I want to be healthier? Yes.
I think that, ultimately, I'm just going to get my way with this. Even though I'm not trying, I like that I'm losing weight and that I can see a difference. I mean, it is my body after all. He's not so fickle that he'll leave me because he thinks I'm not sexy anymore.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Update: Fish Tanks
I tested my water today in the 29 gallon tank and there were no harmful levels. My fish in the 10 gallon tank were acting very stressed, so I decided it would be a good time to move them. I made sure the temperature was (about) the same in both tanks and started the move. I decided to only put the adults + my only dalmatian molly fry in this tank and I haven't moved my two albino catfish yet because all the babies are still in the 10 gallon tank. Babies are growing, so waste is imminent. Anyway, they all adjusted really well! They're swimming within a minute of being netted and moved like this was their home all along. They even were looking hungry, so I fed a broken algae wafer to both tanks to suffice until tomorrow morning.
In the 29 gallon tank I have: 1 male cremecicle molly, 2 female dalmatian mollies, 1 female sunburst platy, 1 female mickey mouse platy, 3 male fancy guppies, and 2 peppered cory catfish. So that's my 10 fish + later (when I can get rid of the babies) my 2 albino catfish makes 12. All the fish are under 2 inches long, so if we decided that they were all 2 inches (which they aren't, but for math let's just go for it) it's a total of <24 inches of fish in my tank. I can have 31 inches of fish without over stocking my tank. And you know, I may end up keeping one or two more babies, but I just don't know- I need to see how the youngest ones turn out looking. I really miss my Watson, who was a black molly, but who knows what I'll decide.
I think it'd be cool, one day, to have a few black mollies and some glo fish. Like, just that as my tank of fish. Because the decor is very natural and the solid black fish with bright neon colors zooming all about. And maybe some neon tetras with their neon blue striped bodies would look cool, too! But I'm getting ahead of myself!
As long as I'm talking about it, one day I also want to have a few angel fish. I want some cichlids, sharks and other aggressive fish that I can't have now because all the fish I have are peaceful. I also want to give betta's another go, but that's an entirely different story.
Right now I'm very happy with my tank and the fish inhabiting it. I really, really hope they don't die. The reviews on the bacteria starter sample that came with my tank said the tank would be fully cycled in a day - but I still worry. I don't like coming home to dead fish. Although, I'm getting better at not crying. It makes me really sad to see my fish suffering/dead.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm not sure about my updates because my phone only recognizes the other blog I have that is in hiding right now. My phone is the only source of internet that I have when I'm not here at work, so I don't know. I'll definitely try to keep track of everything and I'll see if I can finagle the settings here a little bit!
In the 29 gallon tank I have: 1 male cremecicle molly, 2 female dalmatian mollies, 1 female sunburst platy, 1 female mickey mouse platy, 3 male fancy guppies, and 2 peppered cory catfish. So that's my 10 fish + later (when I can get rid of the babies) my 2 albino catfish makes 12. All the fish are under 2 inches long, so if we decided that they were all 2 inches (which they aren't, but for math let's just go for it) it's a total of <24 inches of fish in my tank. I can have 31 inches of fish without over stocking my tank. And you know, I may end up keeping one or two more babies, but I just don't know- I need to see how the youngest ones turn out looking. I really miss my Watson, who was a black molly, but who knows what I'll decide.
I think it'd be cool, one day, to have a few black mollies and some glo fish. Like, just that as my tank of fish. Because the decor is very natural and the solid black fish with bright neon colors zooming all about. And maybe some neon tetras with their neon blue striped bodies would look cool, too! But I'm getting ahead of myself!
As long as I'm talking about it, one day I also want to have a few angel fish. I want some cichlids, sharks and other aggressive fish that I can't have now because all the fish I have are peaceful. I also want to give betta's another go, but that's an entirely different story.
Right now I'm very happy with my tank and the fish inhabiting it. I really, really hope they don't die. The reviews on the bacteria starter sample that came with my tank said the tank would be fully cycled in a day - but I still worry. I don't like coming home to dead fish. Although, I'm getting better at not crying. It makes me really sad to see my fish suffering/dead.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm not sure about my updates because my phone only recognizes the other blog I have that is in hiding right now. My phone is the only source of internet that I have when I'm not here at work, so I don't know. I'll definitely try to keep track of everything and I'll see if I can finagle the settings here a little bit!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The Rollercoaster [that is my life]
As I've mentioned before, I have two jobs at the moment. The second job is providing me extra income to pay for my groceries and gas as well as pay off some of my debt. I was doing well in paying off my debt on a credit card I have, until recently.
A few days ago, 1 out of 2 ten gallon tanks I have broke. Well, the water seal was broken. So I had to move my 40 (total) fish in together in one 10 gallon tank. Not good, considering a general rule for tropical fish is that for every 1" of fish, you need 1 gallon of tank. So I wanted to go to PetSmart and get a bigger tank to just put everyone in and not have to worry about not having enough space or not. The tank was a starter kit that comes with everything (which I need because the differences for heaters and filters between a 10 gallon and 29 gallon are HUGE) and it was on sale for $110.00 which is kind of amazing considering how large this tank is.
Well, I got comfortable with knowing I had to spend that money because it was going to benefit my fish. I asked mom to come with me to get it and my other supplies I needed. She comes over to my apartment, and I drop my phone.
Quick Side Note: I've dropped this phone probably 50 times in the year and a half I've had it, not once did it break or crack.
My phone's screen is shattered. Luckily for me and my OCDish ways, I had a glass cover on the screen to make it easier to wipe fingerprints off. I honestly think that is the only thing holding the screen together. Luckily, my phone still works and I can see everything (wouldn't that be a disaster? It's a touch screen phone!) so I don't need a new phone, but that screen is driving me bonkers. I'm literally waiting for it to bust.
So, that $110 I was going to put back on the card is now going to a new phone (with next week's paycheck money I mean) plus some.
I didn't even consider what kind of phone I would be getting because I love my HTC Thunderbolt. Yes, it's old, but there's nothing wrong with it. But I feel like if I just get another one (which the sales person didn't even offer as a choice when I asked him about new phones) I might regret it and want to get another phone, but I'd be stuck with this one until December (that's when my contract is up. Since I'm the main line, I get yearly upgrades) so I just don't know what to do.
My phone is an Android. A lot of my friends have iPhone's which they are very happy with as well. I have an iPod that is literally 1st generation iPod Touch - ancient - but I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I know that one of the guy's on my friend's list is an employee of some sort with Apple products, and he's a very good photographer as well, and the pictures he takes with just the iPhone are breathtaking. And the iPhone has an app that isn't available through Android's market which I want. I'm just nervous that because I like my Android so much, that if I switch I'm gonna also be disappointed.
I see that I haven't really made a clear picture of my conflict. Let's do some Pro's and Con's comparing Android vs. iPhone.
(My) ANDROID:
Pros: The market is really nice, my screen size, I'm used to it, takes good pictures from the back camera, I have a kick stand with speakers behind it for hands free videos/music, all the apps and music and photos are already on the device.
Cons: The battery life has shrunk, the screen is shattered, it's a heavy phone, freezes a lot more than it should.
IPHONE:
Pros: Stunning picture quality, new to me, popular choice, iTunes market is easy enough, the app I want (lol), Siri (kind of creepy, but seems useful maybe), the operating system seems amazing from what I've read, many cheap cover choices.
Cons: Breakable screens, new to me, no kickstand, bad speakers (from what I've actually heard from my cousin's phone), Siri creeps me out a little.
I don't know. Maybe I should just go for an iPhone. Yeah, it's new, but change can be good. I'd rather be stuck with this new phone for a couple months then get a different one than get the same phone I have OR a newer phone from Android and face the fear of the same problems I've had with this phone as far as speed and freezing and updates (or lack there of).
I hate to say it, but popularity is kind of winning me over. Obviously I still have a week to think about it before I get paid again, but I think I'm leaning towards the phone everyone has been telling me to get for over a year now. I'll update on what my choice was when I make that choice. Also, I'll be updating on my fish tank :)
A few days ago, 1 out of 2 ten gallon tanks I have broke. Well, the water seal was broken. So I had to move my 40 (total) fish in together in one 10 gallon tank. Not good, considering a general rule for tropical fish is that for every 1" of fish, you need 1 gallon of tank. So I wanted to go to PetSmart and get a bigger tank to just put everyone in and not have to worry about not having enough space or not. The tank was a starter kit that comes with everything (which I need because the differences for heaters and filters between a 10 gallon and 29 gallon are HUGE) and it was on sale for $110.00 which is kind of amazing considering how large this tank is.
Well, I got comfortable with knowing I had to spend that money because it was going to benefit my fish. I asked mom to come with me to get it and my other supplies I needed. She comes over to my apartment, and I drop my phone.
Quick Side Note: I've dropped this phone probably 50 times in the year and a half I've had it, not once did it break or crack.
My phone's screen is shattered. Luckily for me and my OCDish ways, I had a glass cover on the screen to make it easier to wipe fingerprints off. I honestly think that is the only thing holding the screen together. Luckily, my phone still works and I can see everything (wouldn't that be a disaster? It's a touch screen phone!) so I don't need a new phone, but that screen is driving me bonkers. I'm literally waiting for it to bust.
So, that $110 I was going to put back on the card is now going to a new phone (with next week's paycheck money I mean) plus some.
I didn't even consider what kind of phone I would be getting because I love my HTC Thunderbolt. Yes, it's old, but there's nothing wrong with it. But I feel like if I just get another one (which the sales person didn't even offer as a choice when I asked him about new phones) I might regret it and want to get another phone, but I'd be stuck with this one until December (that's when my contract is up. Since I'm the main line, I get yearly upgrades) so I just don't know what to do.
My phone is an Android. A lot of my friends have iPhone's which they are very happy with as well. I have an iPod that is literally 1st generation iPod Touch - ancient - but I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I know that one of the guy's on my friend's list is an employee of some sort with Apple products, and he's a very good photographer as well, and the pictures he takes with just the iPhone are breathtaking. And the iPhone has an app that isn't available through Android's market which I want. I'm just nervous that because I like my Android so much, that if I switch I'm gonna also be disappointed.
I see that I haven't really made a clear picture of my conflict. Let's do some Pro's and Con's comparing Android vs. iPhone.
(My) ANDROID:
Pros: The market is really nice, my screen size, I'm used to it, takes good pictures from the back camera, I have a kick stand with speakers behind it for hands free videos/music, all the apps and music and photos are already on the device.
Cons: The battery life has shrunk, the screen is shattered, it's a heavy phone, freezes a lot more than it should.
IPHONE:
Pros: Stunning picture quality, new to me, popular choice, iTunes market is easy enough, the app I want (lol), Siri (kind of creepy, but seems useful maybe), the operating system seems amazing from what I've read, many cheap cover choices.
Cons: Breakable screens, new to me, no kickstand, bad speakers (from what I've actually heard from my cousin's phone), Siri creeps me out a little.
I don't know. Maybe I should just go for an iPhone. Yeah, it's new, but change can be good. I'd rather be stuck with this new phone for a couple months then get a different one than get the same phone I have OR a newer phone from Android and face the fear of the same problems I've had with this phone as far as speed and freezing and updates (or lack there of).
I hate to say it, but popularity is kind of winning me over. Obviously I still have a week to think about it before I get paid again, but I think I'm leaning towards the phone everyone has been telling me to get for over a year now. I'll update on what my choice was when I make that choice. Also, I'll be updating on my fish tank :)
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tumblr.com
I decided to take a tumblr vacation yesterday. I'm just not getting what I need from that site. I thought I'd be so inspired to stay on track with my diet and working out but instead I feel more depressed than ever looking at the "thinspiration" posts because I don't feel like those girls have attainable bodies (for me).
I've honestly already noticed a change. I don't feel stressed today. My mom had brought me a pork chop and scalloped potatoes and I ate 1/2 of what she had given me. I did it just because it was enough and I wasn't hungry anymore. I'm hoping tonight will be the same way.
Summer weather helps as well. You just want to eat healthy and be outside. I, for one, don't eat as much anyway and that makes staying on track that much easier. I hope I don't binge eat tonight. I really want to be 120 by summer. I'm just trying to not stress about it as much.
I've honestly already noticed a change. I don't feel stressed today. My mom had brought me a pork chop and scalloped potatoes and I ate 1/2 of what she had given me. I did it just because it was enough and I wasn't hungry anymore. I'm hoping tonight will be the same way.
Summer weather helps as well. You just want to eat healthy and be outside. I, for one, don't eat as much anyway and that makes staying on track that much easier. I hope I don't binge eat tonight. I really want to be 120 by summer. I'm just trying to not stress about it as much.
That's Cool, Man.
I'm so glad that my own family is talking about shit I post behind my back. Well, fine. No proof now. Hooray for privacy settings. I'm so glad my family has my back. *sarcasm*
The only person who I can trust in my family not to tell anyone about anything is my mom. I guess my brother, too. Obviously posting on the internet is another issue entirely and I should have known better, blah blah blah. But still.
I don't know why it's such a surprise to me. I have always known (and been afraid of) my family gossips about everyone and everything they do wrong. It's hardly a full conversation without someone having messed up recently.
I guess I know for sure now. Good thing facebook has privacy settings as well.
The only person who I can trust in my family not to tell anyone about anything is my mom. I guess my brother, too. Obviously posting on the internet is another issue entirely and I should have known better, blah blah blah. But still.
I don't know why it's such a surprise to me. I have always known (and been afraid of) my family gossips about everyone and everything they do wrong. It's hardly a full conversation without someone having messed up recently.
I guess I know for sure now. Good thing facebook has privacy settings as well.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Also - JourneyToSexy
I don't feel like making it a series anymore. It sounded good, but then I'm like, "nah" so my Journey To Sexy will continue, but the series will not. In case anyone cares. Doubtful. :)
1042
That's how many calories I've eaten today. I don't plan on eating any more. I'm just not hungry. I hate when I have days like this where I am quite a bit under my 1250 goal.
It would make sense to, say, just eat some more. But then I get the hungry sensation again and end up binging until it hurts.
I guess I don't get a happy balance right now. I think I need to teach myself control first, and then think about the calories later.
It would make sense to, say, just eat some more. But then I get the hungry sensation again and end up binging until it hurts.
I guess I don't get a happy balance right now. I think I need to teach myself control first, and then think about the calories later.
Too Soon?
Today is March 17th 2012 - also known as St. Patrick's Day - and the thermometer says it's 80 degrees out. No, I didn't move to California. I'm in Illinois. It's way too soon for it to be this warm. Where was out Spring? We jumped from Winter to Summer. WTF.
Anyway, I need to get some things straightened in my life right now. For whatever reason, I feel the need to write these things down.
1. Safe Rite doesn't care about me. They don't care about anyone they find jobs for. They only care about the money they make and filling positions in the businesses that need positions filled. You ask for a day off or say no one time, you're on a red flag radar to them.
2. Friendships fade. I know it's super cliche, but it's true. I thought my one friend and I were going to be BFF's forever. We're still friends, and we still tell each other everything, but now she has her own little family and I'm always busy. The connection is fuzzy at best right now. It makes me sad.
3. School is for building a foundation to your career. Especially college. I shouldn't be taking classes just because they sound fun or interesting. I think I need to focus on working until I get my stuff paid off. Then I can quit Safe Rite and their stupid temp services and keep working at the Pope Home. I look forward to working here, that's good enough for me. I don't need anyone's approval or opinions about how old/young you should be to be working here. It doesn't matter. I like it. Do I want to do this the rest of my life? Not really.
4. What I want to do is be a wife and a mom. I want to have my own little family. I want a Pomeranian. I want a bunny. I want a kid, maybe two. I want to have thriving, happy fishies in a big tank. I want to find a house with the love of my life and life there until we need/want to upgrade.
You know you really want something when that's all you can do is think about it.
Anyway, I need to get some things straightened in my life right now. For whatever reason, I feel the need to write these things down.
1. Safe Rite doesn't care about me. They don't care about anyone they find jobs for. They only care about the money they make and filling positions in the businesses that need positions filled. You ask for a day off or say no one time, you're on a red flag radar to them.
2. Friendships fade. I know it's super cliche, but it's true. I thought my one friend and I were going to be BFF's forever. We're still friends, and we still tell each other everything, but now she has her own little family and I'm always busy. The connection is fuzzy at best right now. It makes me sad.
3. School is for building a foundation to your career. Especially college. I shouldn't be taking classes just because they sound fun or interesting. I think I need to focus on working until I get my stuff paid off. Then I can quit Safe Rite and their stupid temp services and keep working at the Pope Home. I look forward to working here, that's good enough for me. I don't need anyone's approval or opinions about how old/young you should be to be working here. It doesn't matter. I like it. Do I want to do this the rest of my life? Not really.
4. What I want to do is be a wife and a mom. I want to have my own little family. I want a Pomeranian. I want a bunny. I want a kid, maybe two. I want to have thriving, happy fishies in a big tank. I want to find a house with the love of my life and life there until we need/want to upgrade.
You know you really want something when that's all you can do is think about it.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Journey to Sexy 0.01
I'm going to start this mini series on my blog because, hey, it's my blog. I'll do what I want. I have a few ideas in mind, but this is in the forefront of my brain right now.
Basically, this is my weight loss side. It seems like I'm always on a diet, so it's obviously a big part of my life. This diet is a healthy one this time. I'm exercising and eating a good amount of calories as well. I have a tumblr dedicated to this entirely, but I feel like it's a bunch of people posting pictures of skinny girls and VS models and mean sayings like, "I'm fat." or "I don't need to eat." and that doesn't help me. Plus, tumblr seems a bit disorganized and there's no way to really archive things I write about. Since I like to write, and I know in the future I'll like to look back, I feel like this is a good idea.
My goal weight is 120, but that's just a number I picked that's in the middle of my ideal body weights for my height. Really, I have a goal body in mind and the numbers seems to matter less and less. I created a myfitnesspal account for tracking my calories in and calories out and I also created my own fitness plan. It's for extreme nubs, since a nub created it, lol. I'll try to insert a picture.
The rules are that I need to write down my exercise I did and for how long. Also, my net calories need to be written down. I need to weight myself once a week and write that down as well. I'm trying to get myself to be active period because I love being lazy... So 5/7 days a week I'm shooting for any type of exercise. I'm trying to track everything I do so that I can look back and say, "See, it wasn't that hard."
I have about 4 months before I want my dream body - at least most of it! Haha, how funny does that sound? Because I really would like to be with Kevin on his family reunion and that is on July 13th or 14th, so basically 4 months away. I'm 156 (ish) right now. 36 lbs in 4 months = 9 lbs a month. Pretty doable. But, like I said, it's more about my actual body than my weight. So that's why the exercise chart is important for my personal goals. I know I'll never be a VS model, because I'm too dang short, but I want to have a nice body like they do. That will PROBABLY take more than 4 months, but we'll see how it all goes.
Also, this series may include progress photos. I'm thinking about just doing the bikini thing so it's less gross than underwear. Just a forewarning. I haven't officially decided yet. At the end of the series, when I reach my goals, there will be a before and after photo for sure. I know those kind of photos inspire me.
Basically, this is my weight loss side. It seems like I'm always on a diet, so it's obviously a big part of my life. This diet is a healthy one this time. I'm exercising and eating a good amount of calories as well. I have a tumblr dedicated to this entirely, but I feel like it's a bunch of people posting pictures of skinny girls and VS models and mean sayings like, "I'm fat." or "I don't need to eat." and that doesn't help me. Plus, tumblr seems a bit disorganized and there's no way to really archive things I write about. Since I like to write, and I know in the future I'll like to look back, I feel like this is a good idea.
My goal weight is 120, but that's just a number I picked that's in the middle of my ideal body weights for my height. Really, I have a goal body in mind and the numbers seems to matter less and less. I created a myfitnesspal account for tracking my calories in and calories out and I also created my own fitness plan. It's for extreme nubs, since a nub created it, lol. I'll try to insert a picture.
I have about 4 months before I want my dream body - at least most of it! Haha, how funny does that sound? Because I really would like to be with Kevin on his family reunion and that is on July 13th or 14th, so basically 4 months away. I'm 156 (ish) right now. 36 lbs in 4 months = 9 lbs a month. Pretty doable. But, like I said, it's more about my actual body than my weight. So that's why the exercise chart is important for my personal goals. I know I'll never be a VS model, because I'm too dang short, but I want to have a nice body like they do. That will PROBABLY take more than 4 months, but we'll see how it all goes.
Also, this series may include progress photos. I'm thinking about just doing the bikini thing so it's less gross than underwear. Just a forewarning. I haven't officially decided yet. At the end of the series, when I reach my goals, there will be a before and after photo for sure. I know those kind of photos inspire me.
Blog # 1
Ok. I'm lying when I say this is my first blog. I'm just tired of signing in and out of google and youtube because my accounts are under different emails. So, here I am.
Recently I've been feeling pretty let down by my friends. Not by anything they do in particular, because when we do converse, it's really nice and feels like old times. But the fact that we rarely talk anymore bothers me to no end. Like, how can I call you my friends when we talk probably 2-3 times a month anymore and you 'like' my facebook posts? It makes no sense to me. And the friends that I do still have are dwindling to about 2 that are all my own; totaling around 6-7 that I'm friends with through my boyfriend.
And it doesn't necessarily bother me that I don't have that many friends. I actually like being alone sometimes. And now that I'm so busy with 2 jobs, I don't have to worry about disappointing a whole lot of people. That sounds a little silly, but hey, that's how I feel.
Recently I've been feeling pretty let down by my friends. Not by anything they do in particular, because when we do converse, it's really nice and feels like old times. But the fact that we rarely talk anymore bothers me to no end. Like, how can I call you my friends when we talk probably 2-3 times a month anymore and you 'like' my facebook posts? It makes no sense to me. And the friends that I do still have are dwindling to about 2 that are all my own; totaling around 6-7 that I'm friends with through my boyfriend.
And it doesn't necessarily bother me that I don't have that many friends. I actually like being alone sometimes. And now that I'm so busy with 2 jobs, I don't have to worry about disappointing a whole lot of people. That sounds a little silly, but hey, that's how I feel.
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