Toxic Relationships

So, today I wanted to write something that just came into my mind recently. It's a situation that has been happening for a while, and though I talk it out, it just never seems like anything is being done. I don't know how many readers I have here, but I want to get the word out as far as I can about toxic relationships.

I have a friend who we shall call Dan. Dan has a girlfriend/fiance/whatever (because I just don't know what to believe) and we will call her Joan. Dan is a sweet guy. I'm obviously biased in his favor, and I know this. But he really is a gentle and loving person. He always puts other people first, and this includes every fight and argument with Joan. Joan is very manipulative. She seems very fake and self centered when we talk. It's always about her, and if the topic delves into something about me or Fiance, she has to bring it back around to her.

I've only ever known Dan through Fiance, because they were friends first. Dan has only ever been helpful and kind in any situation. Joan hasn't been outright mean to me, but I guess she has with Fiance and she says things behind our backs? Although that's just hearsay, so what can I really know for sure?

Dan and Joan have "broken up" a few times since I've known them. Once, Dan had packed up his things and had  moved the things into Fiance's (at the time, just Boyfriend) house. He ended up going back with Joan, but both Fiance and I agree that was probably a mistake.

Most recently, Joan had posted a few times on a social networking site saying things like, "Oh, I just don't know if it's worth it" and other hints that she was ready to break up with Dan. They ended up breaking up that night, but were back together by the next day. Joan's new posts were of hopeful reconciliations with Dan  and how they "will work this out, though it won't be easy/fast." Paraphrasing is amazing, by the way.

In these two scenarios along with others that I don't feel like numbing your minds with, Dan has initiated the break up. And if you remember I said that he is someone who puts others first - always. For someone like him to initiate a break up is saying so much about that other person.

And now to the advice. I don't know you, or your situation. I don't have a personal connection to you right now. I'm just some girl typing on a blog that floats around, mainly unnoticed, through the internet. But I do know that everyone has a right to be treated with respect. I don't care what you've done in your past, if you are willing to change your past mistakes/actions and be a better person, there's no reason to not be given a second chance. That being said, don't keep making the same mistakes!

Don't be like Joan - Don't keep pushing your S.O. to the brink of separation and then rekindling after you realize that you were wrong. Accept that you aren't perfect, and your S.O. isn't perfect, and life isn't perfect. People make mistakes, they act on emotions over logic, and sometimes they are wrong.

A successful relationship is worth all the lonely nights, the stupid arguments over nothing, the bad, the ugly and anything you've ever been through. A successful relationship will make you realize that you aren't here alone. But when you're with a toxic person feeding you poison in your relationship, you're going to feel alone and wrong and just awful all the time. That's not what life and love are about.

Best Friends

Best friends are supposed to be there for each other; to talk, listen and hang out. Abandoning and ditching aren't really part of those first three categories unless you're including opposites.

It's not that I'm mad, but I feel really left out and hurt when my best friend doesn't take my phone calls, won't call me back, leaves me out of huge parts of her life and then doesn't even realize she's doing it! I mean, what am I? Who am I?

Am I not there for you whenever you need to vent or talk? Have I not supported you throughout the toughest moments in your life so far? Am I not supposed to be your maid of honor, thus including me in your wedding planning? I don't want to be in control, I just want to be there for the moments that make that day (if I'm speaking Solely of the wedding). Have I not signed up to help you and your independent business venture?

When a best friend hasn't called you, and then calls to ask how the business is going, when she should know you're at work, but you take time to answer the call and even say you'll call her back, but then when you do call her back (maybe 30 minutes later) she doesn't answer so you leave a message but she doesn't return the call that day and THEN when you text her the next day asking if she's busy she just responds 'what's up?' It gets a little hurtful.

I feel like I'm not mad at her, but I do feel very disjointed and left out. We've been friends since we were 5, and she goes out with someone else (or no one, I don't know because we haven't talked yet) to find her wedding dress - which I specifically said many times that I'd love to go with her. And something like this, the way I'm feeling, isn't exactly the best thing to leave to a text message.

:/

IDK

Fiancé has been acting weird lately. He says he was in a bad mood last night but its carried over to today as well. It's making me feel awkward when I talk to him or try to make him smile. I don't like it.

Also, I don't have a laptop anymore. I got the blue screen of death and I don't even know what I did! I still have my phone and fiance has a desktop, but my phone is a phone after all and fiancé owns that desktop so how am I supposed to feel comfortable writing and saving personal things?

Also, I've been getting these awful pains in my stomach. I've never had pains like this before. Fiancé says he gets them all the time, but doesn't really know what causes them. And that's not helpful at all because then how am I supposed to fix it and stop it?!

I just don't know what's going on right now but I do know that I'm not really happy about it.

Goal #1: Nails

Weight loss is a hard thing for me to accomplish and I don't really know why. So I'm starting smaller, and possibly vainer. I didn't know vainer was a word... I literally just spell checked it and it's accepting it so on we go!

My nails have always been okay. Pretty enough and long enough for social standards. But I tend to pick at and bite my cuticles and the skin around my nails when I get nervous or stressed out. These past few months with THAT WOMAN have been stressing me out to no end as well as wreaking havoc on the skin around my nails!

So starting today, and with a goal of my wedding in my mind, I'm not going to deal with stress that way. My first goal pertaining to my new life with my new spouse (in the future, of course!) is this:

GOAL #1: Beautiful Nails & Cuticles

She's Never Leaving

I've just honestly concluded that she is never leaving. Maybe with that logic, I'll be happier when she does, in fact, leave.

You know what I really don't understand though? She says she's so unhappy here. She says we are all crazy (we, meaning the staff). She complains about the rules and how we, the staff, enforce them. But she stays.

Personally, if I were living in a month to month leased apartment/room (which she is), I would pay my last months rent, pack, and leave. She's already been handed the eviction notice, so what's the point of staying?

The only thing I can think of is that she does want to sue CJP - but she knows we aren't doing anything wrong according to the contract she signed when she first moved in. So, with her staying, she's trying to piss us off enough to actually get something that she can use to actually sue and have a chance at winning the lawsuit.

Conspiracy? Maybe. But it's the only thing I can muster out of her crazy woman logic.

Halloween 2012

So my title is super original, I know.

Turns out, we don't get many trick-or-treaters around where I work. I mean, it's dead end street, not a lot of other houses giving out candy, so I get it.

Well, last night at dinner, I was telling the ladies that if we have leftover candy, the basket will be set on the steps and they can pick at it until the candy is all gone. Well, looks like they've gotten a head start on it. LOL! There's hardly anything in the basket now and it's only 4:30.

Side story, that lady that's been driving me nuts came down and asked to use my cell phone. I said I suppose and she asked to use it in the library (which is inside the CJP). I said Yeah, that's fine. Then she tried to let me let her out on the back porch with it. I said no, but what I meant was, No because I don't want you out wandering around with something that is expensive and not yours...

Anyway, as far as I know she's in the library. Lord knows how long she'll be on the phone! LOL I hope Fiance texts me or something and it whistles in her ears!!! XD I feel mean, I should stop.

Also, I'm a cat.

Happy Halloween!!!

Night Ruiner

Last night was going to be a long one anyway... Fiance wanted to go to the midnight release of a game that he had preordered and asked me to come with him. So, that was fine. Then his friend had just been dumped so we went to talk with his friend for a bit. Then, guess who marches over to us (2 unknown guys and 1 girl(me) who she wasn't even sure of who I was)? That's right -- the lady I've been having problems with at work.

Well, it's not just me. It's with all the staff members that she's causing problems. I said "Hi [lady]" which I shouldn't have, but what's done is done. She recognized me and got real nosy/judgmental real fast. She told me that Fiance and I are living in sin [because we're living together before we're married] and comparing us to her as if she's so perfect. She told Friend that he needed to zip up his hoodie, put on his hood and tie the strings and justified it because she has a son and that he was, not going to, catching pneumonia. She told Fiance, when she found out his grandparents were Irish-Catholic, "Bless you..." as if that's the only way to be. Then she discovered they were kicked out of/shunned from their church and got on her high horse again. Mind you, this was 12:30am. She went off about a lot of things, and eventually I had to say that we needed to go just to get away from her. But I also want to add that she said she worked at CJP to which I corrected her, "You live there. I work there, but that's where you live." She got mad (probably because I told her the truth and she hates that about me) and said, "Well, sort of. But we won't go into that."

Fiance thinks she has the classic beginning signs of dimensia. Wanting to wander, can't keep a story straight, arguing/judging, and then of course thinking that nothing is wrong with her. It makes sense to me now that I think about it. And he would know what that looks like seeing as he is a CNA and works with those kind of people all the time. The pretense before was that she was an alcoholic in her previous town/state, came here to get better and is falling back into that pattern. She does drink to the point where we can smell it on her breath, but not all the time. Dimensia makes a lot more sense.

Anyhow, she ruined my night. Not that she was overly obnoxious or that she was just being rude, but being around her stresses me out. Just reading the notes about her at work tenses me up. How can someone be so awful to other people? Other people who are just trying to care for you...

It's more obvious than ever to me that she can't live here anymore. She's already been served eviction papers, and apparently more action is being taken as I write this, but who knows how long she's going to be here? No one. Not even her. It sucks that she's in a place of control right now, because she could leave, but she won't.  Nobody thinks she has a lawyer like she says, and that she's actually just pushing her luck by staying here; seeing how long she really can stay.

She says she's leaving soon. She'll say things like, "I might see you next week, but I might be gone by then." But she's always here.

She's just crazy. I can't wait until she's out of my life...

So Much Stress!

Our wedding is inching up on us me and it's freaking me out! It's still a while away, but it is getting closer and closer. In March 2013, it will be a year away! WHAT?! We still have to find a reception venue, and hopefully that deal gets closed within the next month or so. But then there's the vendors! Alas, this is my personal blog, not my wedding one, therefore we shall move on!

This woman at work is driving me nuts! I hate that I love this job so much. Otherwise, I would be out the door and not having to deal with all this crap! Rawr.

She literally is a totally different person. Something snapped within her, and I guess she sees a psychiatrist, so she's getting meds (that aren't working) but we all know her and that she's an actress in deception. She says there's nothing wrong with her. She says she isn't happy here. She says a lot of things, but either denies the truth or doesn't do anything about it.

She said there's nothing wrong with her. Lie. We can all see it. She isn't the same lady who moved in here over a year ago.

She says she isn't happy here. Maybe a truth, but if she's so unhappy, why stay? She's already been served eviction papers that have since expired, and I'm pretty sure she knows she isn't really welcomed home anymore. Whatever the next step is, the lawyer for this home is taking it.

I can't wait until she's gone.

All she does anymore is talk crap about my grandma to the staff and probably the ladies who also live here. She tells me that she's got some cheap vendors for me and my fiance's wedding, but never gives out the names or numbers to call. She jabbers on and on about how this place would be doing so much better if the ladies could have a key to let themselves in, about how it feels like a prison cell within the house, about how she has a social life which is why she stays out until 5am.

I'm sorry, but first of all, my grandma has been nothing but kind to you. She has remained kind to you and has fought the idea of kicking you out for a very VERY long time. The other ladies living here aren't having the same "problems" with Grandma because they are RESPECTING her and her staff members. 
If you've got these cheap vendors, why are you withholding their information? Is it to try and keep yourself around, as if I have pull in who stays or goes because my grandma is boss? Coz I don't. Is it just because you like messing with me? And if that's true, why? I've been mad that you come home late and that you don't feel it's right the way this home works, but I've ALWAYS been respectful. You make me sound like I'm some kind of bitchy teenager but I've never been that way. I've only ever pointed out the truth and you don't like that. I know you don't, but you need to hear it sometimes. 
If you want to take a look at the amount of ladies living her versus the room available, here: 8 ladies (including you) living here with a total of 11 rooms. Seems pretty full to me. This place only doesn't do well [in a sense] because most elderly women need the CNA and nurse special care and we don't offer that. It's not because the ladies don't have keys. 
And another thing about the keys, there aren't any. Do you ever stop to think why there is a staff member here 24 hours a day? It's because there are no keys. We don't have them, the doors don't allow for them, and it's silly to think replacing the doors would be a good idea. The doors are part of the mansion, why replace them to satisfy your thirst for rebellion? Which that wouldn't even work, I don't think, because you're so caught up in fighting with everyone that if you got that going for you, you'd find something else to complain about. 
And last but not least, you have a social life. That's fantastic. We're all happy for you that, despite the way you're acting, you can still have friends and family willing to hang out with you. However, every other lady, staff member, and person in the world has a social life. The ladies just don't stay out until 6am without calling or previously saying that they'll be out that late. I'm not a CNA or a nurse. I'm not paid to stay up the entire 16 hours of my shift waiting for you to return. Sorry bout it, but I'm not. That's fine to have a social life, but let's also throw some respect into that equation. Respect for the staff member who has to be woken up at 3am to let you in and deal with you, and respect for your fellow roommates. They go to bed early, and they have to hear that doorbell or phone ring, too. 
Furthermore, when you keep me up waiting for your call or doorbell, you affect the entire rest of my day. I get less sleep, sleep longer at home, have less time to do anything, and then have to come back to work and do it all over again. I know you probably don't think that far ahead, but that's what happens. You get to come home at 6am and sleep until noon, whereas you come home at 6am, I stay up until the cook comes at 7am, and go home to try to sleep. If I get to sleep, I'll stay asleep until 1pm-2pm, wake up, eat something, shower/whatever, and come to work. Do you know how annoying that is to waste my day while you get to do whatever you want? It's not fair and it's disrespectful. All of it. 
 All of your behavior is disrespectful and that's why you're getting kicked out. That's why you're having all these people "turn on you" even though we haven't. We just can't deal with you. We can't handle you. We aren't trained to deal with the types of behaviors you are exhibiting. End of story. 

So, now that that's off my chest, there's one more thing that's stressing me out beyond belief. And I know it's all in my head. But... I can't lose this weight. I can't get myself outside to go running, or get myself exercising in any way. I know that I just need to do it, end of story. It's just getting so much easier to make excuses and that sucks, because I'm really good at convincing myself to not do something that I really don't want to do...

Boo :(

It started raining about an hour ago and it's always great to have rain. But it just started storming and it's super freaky to me.

I know that I don't like thunder because it's startling and scary. Lightning isn't too bad, but when it's close I'm scared. Plus the eerie nature of storms - the green-grey hue and the overall darkness... *shudder*

Though I do have to say, it'll be a perfect night to watch American Horror Story: Asylum! I'm really happy to see the series come back, and you know it's also recording at home so I'll get to be spooked out as much as I want. :)

Weight Loss Goals & Measurements

As you may or may not know, I've been struggling with my weight and liking my body for a very long time. Today was a wake up call for me, and I am starting right now to get on track. My ultimate goal is to be happy with my body and how I look. My long term goal is to be happy with my body and weight by March 22nd, 2014. My shorter term goal is to lose a few pounds before May 3rd, 2013. And finally, my short term goals will probably forever be the same. But they are to not cheat, and to exercise 3 times a week.

My weight and measurements are a little questionable right now. I haven't weighed myself in a week or so and I used masking tape and a straight ruler to take my current measurements. I am improvising because I want to write this all out tonight so I can't change my mind later.

Estimated Weight: 162 lbs
Forearms: 10 inches
Upper Arms: 13 inches
Bust: 38 inches
Chest: 35 inches
Waist: 34.5 inches
Hips: 44 inches
Thighs: 21 inches
Calves: 15 inches

What I don't like about myself:

• upper arm flab
• the fat around my hips
• back rolls
• stomach rolls

All these are things I think I can change with my ultimate goal in mind. Maybe even by my long term goal!

This might become weightloss-obsessed, and for that I am sorry. But thanks for reading anyway :) 

Aggravation!

Freaking grr! Everything is just stressing me out lately.

First, I've got the wedding/reception on my mind. Fiance has given us a $5,000 max. budget for us to spend. First it was $10,000, then $8,000, now $5,000. Not that I want to spend more money - because I'm all for saving. But it's like, all this saving that we have to do is not working for him. Like, he wants alcohol so bad at our reception. IF we could eliminate that, we could save not only the venue fee to rent (because the church is free, just doesn't allow alcohol), but on food (potentially) and the actual bill of having a bartender. Plus it's going to be in March so who knows what the weather will be like to drive in...

Second, my BFF is moving and freaking out about it. She, her hubs and her baby are moving back into her old house (the one she grew up in) because her parents are moving to Missouri. They get the house for free, won't have to pay any mortgages or house payments, and only have to pay utilities and taxes at the end of the year. They will save tons of money, but she just has never felt like that was a home to her. It's always been an unwelcome but familiar place and nothing more. It only bugs me that she's so bummed about having to live there to save up money. Plus it's a town away (20 minutes) so that makes me sad too. We had a good thing going with our jogging. Now we have to start all over AND waste more gas to do it together.

Third, and [embarrassingly] most stressful, is my own body/self image. I had to quit jogging after I sprained my ankle. I waited it out for 6 weeks, just to be sure. I was pretty good about diet and I didn't gain anything until I was about to get my period the other week. I gained 5 pounds, bringing me to 160 - a number I never wanted to see again in my life. I thought, oh, I'll just wait it out... It's water weight. But I was still eating tons of food that I wasn't even hungry for. It's just all stress. I tried jogging by myself, but honestly our new neighborhood isn't set up well for joggers. I tried doing Wii Zumba again, and I did okay, but it is hard work. Now I'm back to seeing myself as that fat, unworthy girl in the mirror again. Unworthy of what? Just everything.

But to take care of the looming depression associated with my bad self image, I have started on a diet again. I upped my calorie intake to 1500 so I don't feel so bad if I go over. And, I realized that if I eat less than 2000, I still am projected to lose weight. Today I had oatmeal and a skinny cow ice cream bar and will have a turkey sandwich for dinner. It's not a lot of calories, so I'm thinking about what foods will make me feel full but also not push me over my limit. Tomorrow, I was going to work out, but BFF needs me to read her rough draft paper for English. I don't really get why, because she'll have a peer review done on it anyway, and everyone's opinions are different, but I'll still do it.

Moving: Settling In

It's been 25 days since we moved in to our new home. This is how we're adjusting.

The Cats
The cats are loving the new place. There's so much room for them to move around. Also, they love the big window ledges. They fight so rarely now, and that makes my heart happy. It's funny, because they will still follow me around 90% of the time. I'm not sure why that is, but it's endearing in my mind.


Fiance & I
Well, it's obvious that we love it. Personally, I love the room! In my old apartment, there was hardly any room to move around in because of all my stuff. Now I feel UN-claustrophobic and I can actually breathe. And if I need to get up and move around, I don't have to seem offensive to Fiance because I can just go to the kitchen and it's far enough away that I feel like I'm by myself, but still close enough that we can talk if he's in the living room.
I think he loves the room, too. And my/our bed. It was mine first... lol. But he is such a bed hog! I know he's a big guy, and I'm a smallish girl, but goodness... A queen size bed just isn't big enough for the two of us. I think we'll have to look into buying a king sized bed pretty soon. It hurts my body to not move around and having to lay still because he moves so much. He swears that the bed isn't split evenly, but we BOTH made sure it was when we were making the bed. Oh well.

The Fish
Haha, I don't know why I feel inclined to include them, but I think they're really happy too. Their room has lots of natural light, so I know the guppy tank likes that and I think the big tank likes it as well, even though they had natural light before.
I bought the guppy tank some new incandescent lights the other day. I think the plant bulbs I got are supposed to be a red color, because the leaves start green (and are still doing wonderfully, btw) but turn a yellowy-olive color with hints of red throughout. The yellow lights just don't give off a good amount of light, so I got incandescent ones. Honestly, it  doesn't look much different in my tank, but I think that has to do with the scheming. I have yellowy-orange-natural colors for the gravel and the terracotta pot is orange. The rocks/gravel in the bigger tank are whites and lighter natural colors so *hopefully* the new light will let the leaves turn red.

My Pre Wedding Workouts

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to work out with my wedding in mind. I'll do cardio over the weekends and strength train and tone three days a week. I need to do something with a schedule since I'm having trouble controlling my calorie intake.

I've packed on about 7 lbs since I stopped running due to my ankle sprain, so I'm at 160- a weight I swore to never be again. My ultimate goal is a toned Tiffini, and a hesitant weight goal is around 130-140. It all depends on how I see myself ya know? That's when I'll know that I've hit the mark. I've got until march 2014, do you think I can do it?

Just watch me. ;)

Wedding Planning Blog?

I feel like I'm starting to get our wedding together and I just want to tell everyone and anyone about our plans! So I was thinking about separating my wedding thoughts, plans, and tips into another blog. That blog will be pretty sparatic at first, because our wedding is over a year away, but I still think it will be fun.

Once I have the blog created I will link it in this post for anyone who is interested. :)

And again, and again, and again...

Gah! I am SO sick of having to deal with this ex-landlord-manager of mine.

Back Story
So, when Fiance and I got engaged and found the duplex we currently reside in, I called Mr. Manager to let him know. I asked if I would still get my deposit back since I hadn't given 30 days notice. Well, he had to ask the Landlady, so I patiently waited for his call to let me know what she said. Mr. Manager went 4 days without calling me, so I took charge and called him. "Oh," he says, "I guess I should have called you to let you know that {she did say you could have your deposit back}." Um, YA THINK?!

Then I tell him I will be out of my apartment by the 14th. My rent is due the 15th. So I'm moving and packing and, unknown to me at the time, he had asked my grandma (across the street from the apartment) if he could show the apartment! ON THE DAY WE ACTUALLY MOVED. Like, let's use some logic here, buddy. When I asked him what I should do about the power and gas, he said I could just turn it off when I was out completely. Okay, well I called them and they both said I didn't have that authority so it would just transfer back to Mr. Manager. I didn't tell him because by now I'm very upset, and he would find out anyway, soon enough.

So a few days ago (it's still not the 14th, people), he calls me at 9:30am to ask me if I was out.
I said, "Well, yes but I still have a few things to move."
He says, "Oh well, I was just wondering because I have someone interested in seeing it. Can I show it?"
"Uh, no. I still have my stuff there."
"Well, I'll be really careful."
*angry voice* "Yeah, no. And anyway, how can you show an apartment that you haven't even inspected yet?"
*pause* "Oh well, I guess I'll figure that out."

What made me angry was that he had the nerve to ask this IN the morning, when he KNOWS my work schedule and that 9:30am is sleepy-napping times. Then add that to the fact I told him I'd be out by the 14th. Give me a few days, here! I'm not a person who handles stress in the most ideal way, so I take my time when I can... But once I thought about it more and more, I realized that he'd be showing the apartment - technically still my apartment - while using MY electricity and gas!!!! Like, no.

Ugh! I honestly don't know if I could ever stand any ignorant remark he makes again. Side Note, I know him on a personal level. He's the church's choir director. He's supposed to be this Christian man, working in our church, and supposed to be a friend. No friends treat friends like that. I get that he's cheap. I get that he wants to have someone in there and renting ASAP. But it's already going to be the [literal] middle to the month by the time I'm out.

And now I'm just worried because I called him, against my better judgement, to let him know I was out of the apartment and that he "can go and inspect the apartment so I can get my deposit back." He said he would look at it yesterday or today and let me know, and I'm pretty sure I'll get it back, but now he's not called me and I just tried to call him and there was no answer. I need that money back ASAP because it's going to my Grandmother who lent me and Fiance $650 to get our duplex. So frustrating!

Also..

I forgot to mention that, on Friday August 31st, 2012, I got my ring back!!! I was SO elated! And it fits wonderfully.

Sometimes my fingers must de-swell, un-swell, whatever... Because the ring is getting loose at random times of the the day/night! I notice it in the shower and like right before I'm ready for bed my ring is suddenly too big!!! I mean, it can come off very easily, not like it's going to fall off with no effort.

I also went with BFF on Aug. 23rd with her sister-in-law, mother-in-law and mother to try bridesmaids dresses on. BFF is picking the color, and we bridesmaids get to pick our own dresses. So, I had it narrowed down to a chiffon one shoulder dress with fabric flowers on the shoulder part and a fitted satin dress with sparkles on one side. So you know I picked the sparkly satin one. I was so surprised how well it looked on me, too! Like, I'm not a small girl - maybe size 10/12 - but I've got a serious hourglass shape to my body that worked out surprisingly well in a fitted dress.

Anyway, today we went again (BFF, me, and another bridesmaid) to the same shop. BFF has a big party of 9 maids... That's right, I said 9. So she's got 5/9 with dresses to order. 4 more to go! Anyway, the point is that the maid who went with us today was absolutely annoying when it came to picking out her dress! And not in the picky way, but the "Oh, I don't really care. Please pick something for me" way. We finally got her to pick one dress out of two and I think she's happy with it. But wow. Way to waste my nap time, girly!

Moving: In Over My Head

I value myself as a pretty organized person, especially when it comes to budgets and budgeting and divvying up different responsibilities. So, when Fiance and I decided to look for a place to live, I took charge of the budget.

Everything looked immaculate, and when we found a place even $100 lower than the original budget, we were both really excited at the potential savings.

Well, stupid me. I forgot to account for my credit cards! Minimum payments are $25 and $30, which isn't too awful... But I screwed up and missed a payment for one card and owed $77 so I'm just worried it will be like $102 for a few months just because I made an oops. Plus, the last time I missed, I got sent directly to a collections agency so I'm nervous for that as well.

Just make sure that, when you're looking for a new place, you make a list of EVERYTHING you have to pay for. Go over all your bills and online payment things and also, low ball your income per week, every 2 weeks, or monthly (however you get paid).
::For example, I get paid between $900-$1,100 a month. I estimate the $900 as my definite pay since I never get paid less than that. I then subtract my car payment, car insurance, phone, World of Warcraft and credit cards (which, BTW, while writing I actually forgot. AGAIN.). These are things I pay for every month, no exceptions. Then I look at what I have left to pick a suitable rental property. For my lonesome, that was a $400 rent with water and garbage included. For my fiance and I (plus our combined incomes and "debts"), that was a $750 maximum rent plus utilities.

We Are Moving: pt.2

So we signed the lease on Monday and Friday we are going to get our house keys. It's pretty exciting, but like I'm telling Fiance, it's stressful.

• We don't have a ton of help. For a while I thought it was just going to be me and him. Now it's me, Fiance, Fiance's brother, Fiance's (1 or 2) friends, and my brother.
• We are renting a U-Haul type deal. I don't think it's an authentic U-Haul, but it's the same thing. It costs $30 for the day and .99 a mile. Not a bad deal, but this truck is reserved for Saturday. It's Wednesday now.
• Along with the previous, I need to be getting things packed like nobody's business. I not only need to pack, but I need to sort and downsize. Fiance is helping me pack, and he's being supportive, but it's still SUPER stressful. 
• Aside from all that, I'm not even sure if we can use our keys on Friday to move some smaller stuff in. Because when the landlord called me, he said we could move in before the 1st, but we would have to add a prorated fee of $23/day. Our rent is already $650 (not bad for the 2 of us). Add $23/day for a week, and we're over $800! Like, we love this place, but it's not worth the first month of $800...
• It's weird packing up all my stuff. Like, don't get me wrong, I want to live with my fiance, and this place is soooo beautiful and homey. But it's still a strange feeling. I feel like our independent lives are being married on Saturday. Two people's houses and lives being merged into one house. It sounds a bit cheesy, but it is a strange feeling to me. 
• Oh! I almost forgot! I don't even know if I get my deposit back from my apartment! Yeah. Because in the contract it says I must give 30 days notice. Well, 15 days is (about) what I gave. I know that is ME breaking the contract, but still. I don't know. I've lived in this place and made it beautiful. I've made it better than what it was when I moved in. And I know there's nothing wrong/broken/dirty/whatever that anyone would need to fix/clean/modify and use my deposit. And the manager guy, who I know personally as well as professionally, hasn't called me back yet to let me know. You see, the landlady lives far away, and it's her call when it comes to stuff like this. Mr. Manager is who the rent goes to/through, who I call if there's an issue with the place, etc. SO he needs her voice in this matter and he hasn't told me. Even though it's been 3 days now since I've called him. 
• And if I would have to stay the 30 days to get my deposit back, I can't afford to shell out $400 on top of anything else I need to pay. Plus it'd only be like 15 more days, and what am I supposed to do? Pay 1/2 of my rent? That doesn't even make sense. In essence, I'd be getting only 1/2 my deposit back because I'd pay $200 for 1/2 my rent and get $400 back by the end of the month. Stupid.
• Also, it looks like I'm going to be paying for utilities in our new place together, so I need to worry about moving my utilities over to the new place AND switching my old place's utilities back to whomever needs to worry about that now. 

GAHHHH!

But on top of all that, I am really happy and excited to live together with Fiance. My cats are going to have a ball running through the new house. My fish will have their own room and be together... Right next to a bathroom with a tub - great for water changes! Fiance and I will have a room together and have a ton of space to stretch out upstairs. A huge kitchen, a nice deck, a big back yard (shared with the neighbors). A washer and dryer already there for us. It's all around the perfect place for us, minus a dishwasher. But that's something we can live with. :)

Do I go or do I stay?

As excited as I am to move, my mom, grandma and I had been planning to go to Missouri to visit cousins and there's some big craft show. I want to go, but I want to stay and help move my stuff.

Fiancé is having our friends help so it's not that I don't trust people to be handling my stuff, but it's disconcerting to know I won't be there with everyone. Even if I'm jut delegating.

The more I think about it, the more I want to stay and move. It's so exciting and we'd be in our new place with each other the first night. I mean I assume he'd stay there at least Sunday of not Saturday as well. I mean I be giving him access to my apartment so he can move my big furniture including my/our bed.

I think I'm going to talk to my mom about it tonight when she gets home. We will see what comes of that conversation.

We Are Moving!

Fiancé and I went right away to look at places so we could move in together and save money for our wedding. Well, we found a place that we absolutely loved and had to wait for decisions to be made. Well as you can read from the title, we got the place and we are able to move in on the 1st!!! We are both SO excited!!!!

He Proposed!!!!

That's right! Boyfriend is now Fiance!!! I'm so excited!

How He Did It
On August 18th, 2012, we went to Starved Rock, a big nature preserve with trails to hike on and cliffs and (usually, when we're not in drought) waterfalls. I felt like something was up, just because I've got a pretty keen intuition, when we stood on an outlook over the water for quite some time. We ended up leaving the outlook, and then the park, so I thought nothing of it.
Well, we got in the car and on our drive back to my place, he said he had something really important he needed to talk to me about. So I was kind of nervous because I had no idea what he could need to talk to me about that would be so serious...
Anyway, we got back to my place and went inside. I had to use the bathroom, so when I came out, he was in the living room standing. I went up to him, gave him a hug, and asked what he needed to talk about with me that was so important. He pulled away a bit, with his arms around me, and said, "I have an important question to ask you." I gave him a surprised look and said, "Oh, ya do?!" and he said, "Yes. It may be the most important question of your life." He then proceeded to get down on one knee, to which I said, "Oh my God," and asked me to marry him.
I couldn't even speak, I just shook my head "YES" and cried.

The Ring
This part kind of makes me sad in a not-so-sad way. The ring he purchased was a size 7. It was WAY too big for my finger, so I went into Zales (where I knew he got it) and asked to have my finger sized. I wear a 5 and 3/4 - because I can't have a normal 1/2 or whole size. So I got to wear it for a whole hour before it got sent off to be resized. Hopefully I get it back by the 29th which would be almost 2 weeks. I miss my ring!

But here's some pictures:

YAY!!!!!!!!!

Freaking Injuries >:(

Exactly 8 days ago, my best friend and I went on our typical 30 minutes C25K jog/walk. We were on Week 5: Day 2. This day, you warm up 5 minutes, jog 8 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 8 minutes, walk 3 minutes, cool down 5 minutes.

We were out, having a grand old time, taking a new path, and suddenly, about 7 minutes into our 1st jog, my ankle gives out. Now, I know my ankle is weak because when I was younger, I sprained it a lot. And I know that sometimes it will just give out, but there's never been an injury associated with it. Until now.

I sat on the ground for maybe 30 seconds in a bit of pain, but I got up and finished running. We walked the 3 minutes and I wanted to run the 8 minutes again, so I did. I honestly didn't have much pain at all, but running takes my mind off things that are bothering me...

We get back to her house, and my knee had been scraped up BAD so I was nursing that wound while forgetting about my ankle. I get back to my house, sore and bleeding, and I sleep with my legs elevated (as per usual after a run).

When I wake up, I notice my ankle is hurting. I look down and see it's swollen. FANTASTIC.

So I call this a twisted ankle, because there is no bruising, just a bunch of swelling. I know I made a bad decision - an uneducated decision, even ignorant - to keep running and then to run again. But it's Day 8 of pain and no exercise and honestly, I'm over it!

I actually want to run and do something other than sit places with my leg up and my ankle wrapped. But hey, what can ya do besides wait and heal, right?!

A Poem A Day

When I was taking creative writing in college, my teacher had us do a project where we wrote a poem a day for the first month. Then, if we wanted to, we would write a poem a day until the end of the semester and get extra credit points. Now, I'm not in college, but I was thinking about that today. It's been a really long time since I wrote a poem or song or anything really creative, so I was thinking about trying it out. I know it's the middle of the month, so Good job there, girl!, but I thought it'd be an easy way to get back into it.

Now this is my personal blog, so I don't think I'd want to crowd it with poems that people may or may not want to see, so I'm going to create another blog. I will link it once I have the blog made. I hope whoever reads my silly poems will enjoy them! :)

Kodak EasyShare V1003

I can't even tell you how long I've had this camera. But I know it's been at least 5 years, because I had it for sure my senior year in high school. It makes me feel so old when I actually count back the years... But it's 10 megapixels, so it's plenty fine. I honestly can't tell much of a difference between this camera and my iPhone, which supposedly has 8 megapixels.

Anyway, this camera hadn't been working. It had lost it's charge, and the battery wouldn't recharge, so I thought all was lost and, if you remember, I even started looking at some less expensive cameras. Then, whatever it was in my mind clicked - Why not just buy a new battery to see how that works?

I processed it like, Even though the battery was almost $20 alone, $20 is more easily replaced than say, $200+. And, I could return the battery and get my money back if nothing comes about with the new battery in place.

I searched for a while at my local Walgreens, Wal*Mart, and was going to go to Radio Shack later in the week. But the amazon.com listing for the battery I needed said there were only 5 left in stock. So I figured, I can just suck it up, pay the shipping, and get the battery for sure instead of maybe finding one at Radio Shack.

A few weeks passed and I finally got my package. I opened the battery, threw it in the camera and plugged in the charger, hoping for the best. Well, it worked! I now have a camera back that I hadn't used in a few years, all thanks to my hording it and keeping it all these years.

I do want to say, 10 megapixels on this camera looked a little grainy and it had me worried, but I looked at the pics on my computer and all is fine. The pictures came out beautiful! I just wanted a point-and-shoot anyway, and the quality is not diminished.

I'm very excited to go to Chicago and meet up with some family and take my refurbished camera with me!

Here are some pics I took while at work to test the clarity. Enjoy!

Nail Treatment: Day 8

I don't have any pictures. But, I would like to say that I had to repaint sometime this last week. The base coat treatment doesn't last very long on its own without chipping. That being said, when I went to remove a nail's polish, I could see a difference in my natural nails. And I feel like they're a lot stronger as well. So this nail treatment is working and is really worth the $5-$7 is costs. It doesn't take a lot to cover your nail, it's a base coat so you can paint on top of it, and with a top coat I'm sure everything would last for at least a week.

RECAP
Good: After 5 days you can see a difference in your natural nails, my nails are harder and stronger as well.
Bad: The base coat alone chips pretty easily. It's still a little chunky to apply and you have to apply fast because it dries fast as well.

Batch #6

I have a 29g tank of live bearing fish. For a fish to be live bearing, it means it gets pregnant and gives birth (essentially) like a human. Live babies come out doing their thing.

I thought that maybe, just maybe, my male molly was sterile and once the females were done giving birth from their previous donors* I would not have to worry about any more baby fish. I know I have a male platy, but he's so young I didn't think he could actually impregnate anyone yet.

*Live bearing females can hold a male's sperm for up to 4 months.

I was wrong.

Today I walked into my apartment, fed my cats and my fish and was watching the fish for a moment and all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see something small dart into a plant. "Oh no" crossed my mind. I looked closer and sure enough, a light orange fish, about 2 cm long, was staring at me. 

I saw it again after I woke up, so I know it wasn't a dream. As far as I can tell, I have one baby. As much as I hate the thought of innocent baby fishies getting eaten by their new tank mates/mom, I hope there's only one. But I've been wrong before so we'll see. 

I was planning to get 3 catfish to put in my tank, but in case of more babies I'm just going to get one extra for Katniss. She's lonely since Rue went missing.

Nail Treatment: Day 3

The base coat started chipping so I'll have to repaint. I didn't have any color or top coat on so it was bound to happen. Ah well.

Take a look at this woman's car...

Honestly, how can you let it get that bad? She couldn't have a passenger if she tried. I refer to the car owner as a woman because there were pregnancy tests in there. Among other things like aging mail (turning yellow) and full bags of chips.

I know I'm not the cleanest of people, but sheesh!

Revlon Post Trauma Nail Treatment: Day 1

I'm not exactly sure how long I should be doing this before I notice anything, so I'm just posting "Day 1" as a starting point and I will take you through what I'm seeing.

Day 1
Today was the first day I put on the nail treatment. I've never used a treatment before, but it doubled as a basecoat and also helps fill in ridges, of which I have a lot. The rest of the promise is to strengthen and restore nails. I don't know how much restoring my nails need, but I should be able to tell with the ridges and the strength.

Note worthy: My nails grow fast. I have pretty strong nails, up to a point. I'd say about 1" is where most of my nails start breaking or chipping. My rings finger nails are the weakest so those should see the most improvement.

Why am I doing this now?
My boyfriend got the loan for a ring. I want my nails to be beautiful for our photos and since I'm not sure when he'll pop the question, I want to start now.

Although I did get the base coat before I knew about him getting the loan, so maybe it was intuition.

What I am seeing:

 
I like that it dries fast and it dries matte but still slightly shiny. What would one call that texture? It looks like silk. I didn't like that it brushed on a little chunky on a few of my nails. I know that's more my issue than the polish... But anyway. So far, so good. Oh, I also like how it still lets your natural nails show. It's like there's obviously a polish there, but you can still see your nails.

Am I 12?

For the longest time, I have been told I look between 12-16, usually hitting about 13 or 14. And I could see it, and the public could see it. I came to accept it as a flaw in my design. Not a flaw, but something I had to overcome because it was just going to be like this forever.

Boyfriend and I went to his reunion and there were pictures taken. Some were just posted and my goodness! I SO don't look 12 anymore! I'd say I'm looking like I'm 16-18 which is pretty cool.

I think I can live with looking a few years younger than my actual age. When I'm 23 and look, at the most, 18... That's okay. If I was 23 and looking 12 still, I might have a problem. But I don't, so there's no problems. :)

In Need

...of a new camera.

My $300 camera was a lousy investment. It lasted all of a year and suddenly, I'm taking better quality photos with my iPhone. So I'm on the lookout for a new camera that isn't too expensive, but that will take nice pictures.

Cameras I'm Considering:
-Canon PowerShot ELPH 300 HS 12 MP CMOS Digital Camera with Full 1080p HD Video $211
-Canon PowerShot ELPH 500 HS Digital Camera with Full HD Video and Ultra Wide Angle Lens $174
-Canon PowerShot A1300 16.0 MP Digital Camera with 5x Digital Image Stabilized Zoom 28mm Wide-Angle Lens with 720p HD Video Recording $99
-Nikon COOLPIX S6300 16 MP Digital Camera with 10x Optical Zoom NIKKOR Glass Lens and Full HD 1080p Video $160


You may have noticed these all are point-and-shoot cameras. I'm not professional photographer, and I've taken a photography class, but I'm up for the easiest pictures to be taken. Besides, I don't have $500+ to spend on a camera or anything else for that matter! 


Also a similarity, the first three are Canons. I know Canon cameras are good quality and last a long time. My mom has one that's a film camera, but she's had it forever! Maybe the same isn't true for digital, but I also hear through multiple people that Canon has excellent customer service. 


Nikon was thrown in there as it was the #1 product in my search of "hd camera" in Amazon.com. The price isn't bad, and the commercials for Nikons seem legit. However, I've never owned one, and I don't hear great things about their customer service. 


I think I can safely cross the Nikon off my list and save it for another time, if that should ever be needed. Canons are safe and I know they last. Now it's just up to choosing which one!

Drama Mama

I thought that by getting rid of the weekend schedule that I might rid myself of the bulk of the drama associated with the cook on that shift. Boy, was I mistaken.

The lady who got FIRED [because she didn't and couldn't do her job] is who's shift I took. The cook, who has always compared me to lady M (the fired one), went and said in front of my face, "I miss her. [long pause] I mean, you're nice too, but I miss her."

WTFH!

I'm sick and tired of this cook comparing me to lady M. Even now that she's gone, I'm still getting comparisons. She may have been here longer, but I'm doing a good job with my 2+ years backing me up.

She got fired. She couldn't do her job anymore. I do this job to the best of my abilities, which I believe I do it quite well actually. And you're going to expect sympathy while you whine that you miss lady M when I'm here, doing a better job, and when earlier this morning you said you liked getting here later so you could spend more time with your family in the mornings?

Freaking people. 

On The [metaphorical] Road Again...

I have been doing a lot of thinking these last couple days. Boyfriend doesn't have credit. I didn't have credit. My mom had to cosign my car for me to have credit. Boyfriend knows he needs credit for a lot of things and that it wouldn't go like he planned. So I have decided to cosign a credit card with him.

I've been very hesitant to do that for many reasons;
1) I'm worried about my credit and how he will affect it.
2) I worry about him forgetting a payment and I have to pay money out of my pocket to bail him out.
3) I don't know if my credit is enough. I'm sitting at a 679 credit score. Not horrible, but it's a C+ in credit-land.

But I justified it like this. Once he and I move in together, after we get engaged, his money and my money will become our money. Once we get married, his credit and my credit will become our credit. So really, since we are still in love and still wanting to get married and be with each other forever, it's just a little jump start on the finances. So, though it will be his credit card (whichever he gets, the ring card or a regular card), it will be our credit. 

I'm a little weirder about merging with him than I thought I would be. I missed him so much last night and the night before because we had been sleeping next to each other the past 4 nights. So it's not the physical part, it's the financial part. I'm weird about money and I think I inherited that from my mom.

But hey, it's [usually] better to be safe than sorry. And if this card helps him propose faster, you know I'm all about it! ;)

Eaten Alive!!!

I hate bugs. So much. Not because they're gross, or that they're scary... No. Because they eat me without my consent, and sometimes even without my knowledge. Then I'm left itchy and feeling dirty. I can't wear long pants (as I'm figuring out right at this moment), I need to take Benedryl, and I'm always uncomfortable.

Some of my friends turned out to be more allergic than me to bugs, so I felt better about my situation. But still. Damn, bugs! Why you gotta be like that?!

Reunion: Part 2

Well. That didn't go as I had planned.

As usual, I was pretty much excluded. I mean, not to say that anyone was doing it intentionally, but I was 1 of 3 newbies and the other 2 had much more interesting things to talk about with the family than I did.

His family is nice, but I feel like it'll be one of those things that I'll have to deal with forever.

Also, I'm heartbroken. Boyfriend and I had a serious talk about the engagement plans and he's honestly broke and can not afford a ring until sometime next year. He's upset, and I'm upset, and I can't talk to him about it because it just makes him more upset.

End of the story is he and I will be together over 5 years before we get engaged. I said I wouldn't do it. But I don't just want to leave him on the note of "Oh, you don't have credit? Well we can't be together then." because he didn't know. I get that. It just has made me so upset and I can't stop crying every time I think about the one thing I want more than anything and that I won't get it for a very long time.

The Reunion: Part 1

This is either going to be a 4-day adventure between you and I or a 2-day pre-cap and post-cap of the trip. Either way, this is Part 1.

Just a reminder as to what is going to happen: Boyfriend and I are heading to Batesville, IN to his family reunion. We will be staying in a nice cabin by ourselves but surrounded by his family members; most of whom I've never met before.

This trip is going to be many firsts for us as a couple.
1) 1st road trip, as the town is about 5 hours away from where we live.
2) 1st vacation, as this extends over 4 days and we both get breaks from work.
3) 1st reunion, and 1st time meeting his extended family.
4) 1st room rental all to ourselves.
5) 1st time sleeping in the same bed... Honestly I'm freaking out. LOL!

& there are probably a few more, but mostly that's what I've got.

All of these 1st's are very couple-testing. How can we handle each other in these semi-extreme situations? Even we, who have been dating over 4.5 years, have to face these things now because we've never done anything like this before!

I'm not necessarily worried about surviving, because I know we can do that. I'm just worried about how easily we can adjust to each others habits for long periods of time.

I am also excited for the fun aspects, though! Like having a 4-day party with his family including drinks and summery fun!

C25K: 2

Oh God! We ran week 4 : day 1 (again) today and it was intense. The humidity sucks all your energy out of your body. Luckily, we finished more than we finished Monday, so that's improvement. Plus we ran our fastest mile at 15 minutes! Crazy long for any normal fit people, but much better than 19 minutes. :) Any improvement is good, right?

I was peeking ahead and week 5 : day 3 has us running a full 20 minutes which we are both a little afraid of. But at the same time, we know it's a 9-week program so it could be awesome ya know? I'm just scared about BFF and her heart. I hope that day her hubs will be able to watch the baby because she really needs all energy devoted to that day. Pushing a stroller doesn't help, it hinders, but sometimes she doesn't have a choice.

Anyway, I wonder how I would be if I was doing it solely on my own. I tend to slow down for BFF so we can keep pace with each other because I like running with her, but I do wonder how much different it would be. I don't know about this week, because running 5 minutes is tougher than I thought. 3 minutes was fine, just long... Now 5 minutes is hard to do in an entire block. I did 5 minutes, but I took a break about 1/2 way. So I'm thinking we may have to make this program a bit longer than 9 weeks just because we don't have enough stamina built up yet and we are dealing with excessive heat and humidity.

Miss Understanding

Soooo, the last post about my BFF and her wedding and she picked another friend over me to be her MOH was a misunderstanding. Quite honestly, anyone could make that mistake, but the thing is that we are BOTH her MOH's so I'm feeling relieved.

She told me that there was only one place to put a MOH but that we are both her MOH so I was very happy to hear that.

Now I'm extra excited to help plan with this other friend BFF's bridal shower/bachelorette party. BFF said she might just want a combined party and have games and cocktails. She even liked the idea of a buffet-style where everyone brings a favorite dish to pass and a recipe card so BFF and her hubs will have a bunch of yummy recipes to try and enjoy. I liked that idea because they have pretty much all they could need as far as a married couple.

So, I officially retract my statement of not feeling like the friend I thought I was. Sorry, BFF! Love you!

Goodbye, CK.

Today I got the call made to the temp service that I would no longer be working with them. Everything went surprisingly well, until she told me they listed me as "inactive" which sounds a lot like I didn't quit. But whatever. As long as I don't have to get calls every morning at 9am, or check in with them, or have to hear them speak, I'm complacent.

CK was kind of an awful place to be. I'm really glad I didn't talk myself into taking the job offer. The pay doesn't actually increase; it's all in a separate check that they could take away at any time. LAME. There is a/c in ONLY the offices, bathrooms and over on line 4. Otherwise, we were left with fans and let me tell you, I've never sweat so much in my life. You can't wear capri pants, only jeans/long pants.. Add to my heat stroke likelihood. The gossip is AWFUL! I know that being in a place where the job is repetitive and mostly female dominated employees that there is bound to be gossip... But goodness. All this crap for 8.25/hour was not worth it at all.

Although I am going to miss that extra money in my bank account, I have a feeling that I'll be happier. I survived before, and I'll survive again!

BFF

Well my best friend is having a wedding next year and she asked me to stand next to her as a bridesmaid and made this other friend of hers the maid of honor. Honestly it hurts. I mean I know this other friend would probably be a little nightmarish if she wasn't, but it bothers me when people make decisions based on how people might react.

Realistically I've been there for my BFF since we were 5. I've made mistakes as has she, but we are both 23 now and still best friends. This other girl came later and hasn't always been a nice person let alone a friend to her.

Ultimately I know its her wedding and she can do what she wants. And I'm honored to be a part of the wedding and one of her main people But it does hurt.

EDIT: Now that I've had time to sleep and think about this whole thing, I'm still hurt by her decision.  But it's not like a selfish reason, like, "Oh, I'm not the maid of honor and I should be" but it's more, "Am I not the person/friend I thought I was to you?" I mean when you call me your sister, I know it's not real serious, but it kind of makes me feel like a big deal to you. Am I not really that big of a deal?

I'm not going to bag on this other friend, but BFF knows what the other friend has put her through. Just because I didn't put her through all that, and just because I'm a non-conflict type of person doesn't mean this decision doesn't hurt me. I'm left wondering what I did wrong...

Pandora Radio

How is it, that after all the years this has been out and popular, I hadn't tried this app? What was wrong with me? I even have been asking myself (throughout the years) what other music I'd love to listen to that is like so-and-so. But today is the first day I've been using it and I LOVE IT OHMUHGOSH!

I've already created 3 stations for popular music, retro music, and um... pop-rock? The third one is like what you'd hear at Warped Tour. So I don't know how to classify that but regardless... This is great!

I'm so inspired for art listening to different types of music! Yay!

A woman with whom there is no pleasing.

As I said earlier, I have a new opportunity within my job at CJP which changes my days from Saturday, Sunday, Monday to Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. This means I won't have to deal with this cranky, selfish woman any longer on a daily basis.

This morning she asked when I was changing so I told her it might be this week to which she replied, "This happens every two years, someone changes off the weekend shift and frankly I'm sick of it." Hello, it's not about you. It's about me and my sanity!

She doesn't even care about how I felt about changing which makes me want this even sooner. Goodness! I know she's old, and I feel like old people deserve to just be cranky because they've probably spent their whole lives taking crap from people BUT why she feels the need to totally disregard what this new shift means for me is disgusting. Not that I know exactly why, but I know she's being self centered and only thinking about how this affect HER and HER schedule.

I guess it's a whatever kind of moment in which there's no use in me attempting to show her how this makes me feel since I know she cares less. If I did or said anything now, it would just cause a fight that I don't want to have. So she essentially gets her way (again) and will never learn but that's the new persons problem and as bad as I feel for them, that's how I have to see it. She's no longer my problem.

Things To Do: Reunion

These are some things I'm planning to do before I leave with my boyfriend to the family reunion.

• Dishes - not excited, but they need to be done.
• Sweeping, vacuuming, mopping - easy enough.
• Print out my list of what my cat/fish sitter needs to do.
• Bake banana bread - I have 6 frozen bananas in wait. 
• Buy things - first aid kit, sunscreen, mini bottles for bath stuff, paper plates & cups, etc.
• Rearrange my bed - it's a little complicated to get to my 2nd tank as of right now.
• Water changes in both tanks.
• Pack!

 I think that's everything. I have a list on my fridge as well so I can check off what I have done already and the list seems less stressful!

M.I.A.

Oh gosh it's been a LONG time since I've posted, especially since I have no excuse not to! I have an app on my phone for this site and I'm logged in all the time! LOL!

Anyway, today I wanted to share some exciting news for me. :) My grandma offered me the Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday shift at my job and I accepted! Basically I'll be starting that shift next week, so I'm really happy! I can quit the temp service and CK, and even though I won't have as much money, I know I'll be a lot happier.

Honestly, I thought I was good at hiding my misery. As cliche as that sounds, I really did think I was doing a pretty good job hiding it with lies and smiles. But everyone noticed that I was miserable, so when I asked about what I should do with this opportunity, everyone was like, "TAKE IT!"

I didn't have this in my plans, but maybe this is how my life was meant to go. I wasn't supposed to be waiting for my boyfriend to propose so I could quit CK/the temp service. I wasn't supposed to work 7 days a week over the entire summer. And I wasn't supposed to work the weekend shift at CJP for the rest of my life. I don't really have too much say in my life's journey, I'm just living it and doing the best I can.

The only kink really put in by this new job (even though it's the same job, new days) is the family reunion. Oh, I was terrified once I thought about what I had done with the decision I made! Who was going to work for me? What day would I need that person to work for me? Am I even going to be able to go? How is this fair? Luckily, I called my mom and she happened to be at my grandma's house, so I talked with both of them and my grandma and I worked out a schedule that works me 16 days/nights at CJP, but gets me this reunion/vacation. Not complaining at all... I just really hope the new hire agrees to the plan as well.

My boyfriend is happy about it too! I asked his advice and he said right away that I should take this new offer at CJP. He even said he'd help me out with money if I needed it, which I'm not gonna lie, brought a tear to my eye. That was so sweet, and he didn't even hesitate when he said it. I love that guy! ;)

So that's what's been happening. Working 7 days a week will no longer be an excuse of mine to not clean and do dishes. Lordy, my house is a mess!

C25K

I started the C25K a while ago - maybe 3 weeks ago. And recently I've been doing it with my best friend who started 2 weeks ago. Since we never get to spend time together (since I'm forever working) we decided to do this together in the mornings. So, I back tracked and she kept going so we're at the same pace/set of instructions. We were bad and skipped one day so we're on Week 2:Day 3. I have to say that I'm proud of our combined improvements.

She's hard to run with because I don't know how far I can push her. She has a heart condition so I'm scared to push her too hard for her health, but I don't want to let her slack because jogging will be good for her! She needs to lose weight as do I and jogging will make up healthier and sexier... As if it's really possible to be sexier... lol? :)

Overall though, she runs well. She tends to quit about 20-30 seconds before it's time, and I keep going. I told her I thought it'd be interesting to test her without a timer that she could see just to see how far she can go. Also we agreed it'd be easier for her to run longer if she wasn't pushing a baby stroller that veers to one side.

And even though she quits early, she still improved. She's now running the minute vs. 40 seconds from last week. So I'm proud. And I am running the whole 90 seconds for this week. I feel like dying at the last one, but I push and I'm proud of myself for doing that.

Honestly, I would totally recommend this app/workout plan if you're under 200 lbs. I think anyone can do it and they make it so easy. If you're over 200 lbs, I'd suggest working yourself up to this by walking at a moderate pace for 30 minutes until you feel good.

Karma

I've been talking a lot recently about how I can't wait to get out of CK and today I got a call saying they don't need me to come in all week this week. Umm ok? Random since I've been there every week since February. I'm just hoping I still have a job there and that this is some mistake or misunderstanding or just a random week they don't need me.

I guess time will tell.

OOTD: Fashion is Controversial.

This is what I am wearing right now. I got the dress and shoes from 10dollarmall.com and the bracelets I made myself and the watch was a gift from my mom. I also made the necklace that isn't very visible.

1st Things 1st
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I get that some people may not like the way I dress (Saturday, Sunday, and Monday as Tuesday through Friday I have a uniform) but especially someone like a boyfriend should be supportive. He decided it was a good idea to make fun of my yellow shoes saying they not only don't go with my dress, but that they make my feet look like bananas. Rude.
Reasons he is wrong: Navy blue is a neutral color when it comes to clothes. Besides the fact that it even looks black and white, it's still neutral and it still counts. I also have the shoes paired with a yellow bracelet that is almost identical to the shoe color, so I have coordinated my accessories to make the outfit work. But most importantly, fashion is a choice and I'm choosing to finally break out of my shell and express how I want to look in clothes I want to wear. Don't be such a downer, man.

2nd Things 2nd
My review on 10dollarmall.com goes as such. The 2 dresses and 2 pairs of shoes I ordered came really fast. They shipped the next day after ordering and arrived yesterday which equals about 3-4 days. Really fast! Both dresses and both pairs of shoes fit perfectly true to size. The dress in this picture and the shoes as well are very well made and comfortable. I found no problems with either of those items. The other dress I bought came to me with a tear in the fabric, although it's small and easily fixable. The orange flower sandals had one of the crystals glued on backwards. Seriously?! I mean, a tear is something accidental, but are their manufacturers that simple that ONE of the FOUR crystals is glued on backwards? It's easy enough for me to fix, but it's a very stupid mistake. Overall, out of the four items I received, I would give a 3/4 rating or 75%. The clothes are cheap, so what can you expect with a tear in a piece and a backwards crystal? But those are still issues that people need to be aware of when ordering from this site. If you're not crafty, I wouldn't bother with this site.

I'm also awaiting my Haute Look purchases to arrive, but those will take longer and I'm expecting them to. I'm really excited to see the dresses in person and try them on!

Guilty Pleasure: 1

I, like most people, have a few guilty pleasures in my life that I'm not exactly embarrassed about, but I'd much rather keep those things secret. One of those things is a TV show called Secret Life of the American Teenager on ABC Family.

Now, I'm only writing this to get it off my chest. Not because I need anyone to agree or disagree with me. Simply, this is something on my mind, I'm going to watch it in about an hour, and I feel like I need to talk about the show.

This show, for anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about, is basically about one main girl, Amy, who got pregnant at 15 by her first time lover, Ricky. She has the baby and right now in this season (3? 4? I don't know..) Amy and Ricky are engaged to be married. Happy ending, right? Wrong.

Although the show follows other characters as well, and though those story lines had brief leading roles above Amy & Ricky, those two seem to be the entire focus of the show. Obviously. Here's a few things that bother me:
1. Amy is 17. Ricky is 18. They are already living together and engaged to be married. Sweet, but not realistic.

2. Amy is a teenager who still acts like a teenager even though her friends and other students are growing up and maturing. To me, it would make more sense that Amy would mature faster because she's a mother. Right?

3. Just Amy in general. It goes along with #2, but she got everything she wanted; Ricky as her bf, now her fiance... Living with him and their son as a family... A wedding she gets to plan and had been bitching about for a long time... And she's still acting like a spoiled brat! It's really frustrating that a mother of a child would act this way when her hubby-to-be is only a year older and acts like he's 30 (maturity-wise). Why would he stay with her? Okay, he loves her, but that much? Really? 

4. The show's story line goes all over the place. You think soap operas are bad? Try watching this for an hour and we'll compare notes. This show started with a big issue that involved a lot of drama, so obviously it couldn't back out and just add little things. But come on! Another "main" character, Grace, has a deceased father (Season 1) who ended up having an affair in Africa but wait - it gets better. That affair ended with a son... Better... Who claims that his mother and both Grace and his father met first and that Grace's mom and her family were the actual affair. ...WHAT!? It's crazy and once you're into it, you're hooked.

5. I can't stop watching it. The stories don't make a whole lot of sense lately in realistic terms. Now they're expanding into the gay/lesbian/bi phase with Grace and Adrian (Grace's bff) but that's the most real part of the show right now. It seems like they have taken a serious situation (getting preggo at 15) and morphed a little dramatic bubble around it. It seems like you're in a realistic place, but when you step back and look at reality and how that works versus how the show makes it look like reality works, you realize how abstract and disillusion it really is.

This show makes for good entertainment if you have nothing to do for an hour. But it bugs me that they're taking reality and putting it on steroids.

Summer Clothes!

I just made a first purchase from 2 sites. One that I've heard of and one I never had heard of. The first site was www.hautelook.com and I purchase 2 dresses at $20 each! The shipping was surprisingly steep at over $8 but hey, the dresses were an amazing deal at 71% off. Each dress was originally $70 and on sale at Haute Look for $20. Not bad!

The second site I came across from a google search. It's called www.10dollarmall.com and everything on that site is literally $10 or less! Pretty sweet! But I had never heard of it before and asked Boyfriend how to tell if a site is a scam or not. He says that as long as there are reviews on the products and reviews of the actual site, then it's not a scam. And if you google search "reviews of 10dollarmall.com" you will see there are a few. So I purchase 4 items; 2 dresses and 2 pairs of sandals. All of which equaled $40 and I even got 3% off just for "liking" their page on facebook, so another good deal! Oh, and the shipping had choices, and I chose 6-7 days (I think) which was $4.99.

I should get all my orders in by the next two weeks and I'm really happy. I am crossing my fingers that everything is of good quality and true to size and all that because I've never ordered from either site (or brand, in the case of Haute Look) so we will see how it turns out. And hey, at such good prices, I won't be TOO upset if things don't fit that well. Plus, with all the running I've been doing, I should definitely fit into everything if things run too small (which is what I'm concerned about).

I will update as soon as I get everything with pictures and all!

Work it!

"Running is the greatest metaphor for life because you get out of it what you put into it."

I've finally gotten myself up and running (literally) to start the C25K plan! Yay!

For those who may not know what C25K is, it's short for Couch Potato to 5K. It's an exercise plan that gets you running, even if you're bad at it or have never done it before, up to 30 minutes in 9 weeks. The plan itself can be found at www.c25k.com or on any Android or iPhone. They are all free, just make sure they say free!!! The one I'm using is an app for my iPhone and it's just called C25K Free.

There are variations in the plan depending on where you find it. Some of the free apps for Android phones didn't go up all the way to 9 weeks, but the website is free to browse once you hit that point. Also, some of the plans are varying degrees of walking vs. running.

The one I've been using this past week started with 60 seconds of running to 90 seconds of walking. You also only have to do this one for 3 days a week. I'm up to 90 seconds of jogging to 2 minutes of walking when I start again on Tuesday. I decided I would do Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays as my workout days. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about my muscles being so sore.

The first day I did it, my legs felt fine. But then the next day came and I was in SO much pain. The next day after that was another workout day, and even though my calves hurt still, I did it anyway and you know what? Later that day I didn't hurt at all. And I still don't hurt and today is Saturday.

I get out by 7am because honestly, I'll sacrifice sleep if it means less people will see me trying to work out! I'm so embarrassed of working out in front of people in a public setting. I see a few people also running/walking and maybe a maximum of 5 cars go by throughout those 30 minutes... But it's all okay. Plus the app lets me listen to music as well so that helps.

Another cool thing about this app is that it does all the work for me as far as letting me know when it's time to jog, walk, at the halfway mark and even when I need to cool down. That's very handy for me and lets me concentrate on myself and my breathing.

Overall, I'm really excited to see what this brings. I feel motivated enough that I feel like I can do this.

I'm Just So...

I'm just so frustrated with my [working] life that it's literally making me depressed. I'm trying so hard to have a good attitude about things and with people, but it's like every time I have to smile to avoid "What's wrong?" it makes me even sadder.

I hate working 2 jobs for 7 days a week. I hate that I can't spend any normal time with my family and friends. I hate that I can't go on dates with my boyfriend because mornings don't feel like dates and I work every night. I hate that I'm always tired and cranky and that everything is a mess. I hate that I can't make time between sleep and work to get an oil change/have someone look at my a/c in my car.

And what I hate most of all is that I'm stuck in this position until 1 of 2 things happens. 1) Boyfriend proposes, we move in together, I quit CK or 2) I get my credit cards paid off and I can quit CK. I don't know how long either thing will take, and that makes me sad as well. Even paying off my credit cards will take over a year. And I just don't have any idea when my boyfriend will propose...

UGH!

Today's Just Another Day

 What I did today:

• took a nap from 7am-11:30am
• woke up
• ate
• got dressed/ready
• washed the rest of my dishes
• 45% water change in the big tank

I think on Saturday I'll be baking grandma's cake, sweeping again, and vacuuming/organizing the front porch for her birthday party on Sunday.

I am trying to not eat cereal everyday because it's so loaded with sugar that once my body processes it, I get hungry again. Today I had a PB and banana sandwich and I still feel fine.

Also, I've noticed that I drink A LOT. It probably wasn't the soda being addicting to me, just that I like to drink. It's something to do vs. eating. With water, it's still obviously better for me, but I went through a 28 pack (I think) in a week. That's not including the weekends at CPH where I bring my own water bottle and fill it up 6-7 times a night. It's not small, either.

Old doesn't equal Right.

I hate this one woman's logic on how CPH works!

It isn't a nursing home, it's mostly independent living plus 1 staff person at all times. So, like a nursing home, we have a notebook that we have to record EVERYTHING the ladies do. Well, when they leave/come back or if someone is here for them or if someone is here for the home's maintenance.

The woman's logic is that, if a lady leaves the home without telling someone, and say that lady doesn't eat meals at the home, that it doesn't matter if you write down that she is gone or not.

My logic is like this: We have this notebook specifically to record the ladies' activities throughout the day. If someone leaves and doesn't tell you, you need to remind them about why we need to know. I don't care if she doesn't eat meals with us, I still need to know to EXPECT her home so that if something dreadful happened and she didn't come home and didn't call, I would know to take other action. If I don't know that she's gone, and she never comes home, I don't know if anything's wrong. And then, it's this woman's fault for not letting me know in the first place and that's on her.

It's like talking to a brick wall when I try to explain to the woman why I need to know, but of course she's stubborn and old and thinks that she's always right about everything and that she knows best. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm stupid - I have reasons for why I feel the way I feel and why I think the way I think. Plus it's a rule anyway, why are YOU so privileged to break it?

Can't I just sleep forever?!

It's a love-hate relationship when we talk about me getting to sleep at my job.

It's love:
-I am allowed to sleep.

It's hate:
-I don't sleep because I'm worried always for the ladies.

Now, it's a good thing to be worried about them because I feel like I worry which keeps them safe. But it really sucks when I end up getting maybe 2-3 hours of sleep and then having to be awake in the morning for the morning cook.

I just wish there was a way I could sleep forever. Alas, I work too much and this dream isn't yet possible.

Rant: Getting Hired

So, you work at a job for a little bit and you either are already really good at it, or you become really good at it. Either way, someone approaches you and offers you an application to be hired at another level. You've only been there for a few months. People get mad - well, the people who have been working there way longer than you get mad. This is where it bothers me.

It's not MY fault that I work harder, do better, or get along with people better than you. I didn't go behind your back saying bad things about you in order to get this job. I didn't do anything other than work hard and do a good job, show up on time everyday, and try to grin and bear working with people I dislike. A lot. It's not MY fault that, for however many years, you didn't work hard, or show up every day/on time, or that you don't get along with people. I just met you - I'm sorry you have to deal with being a bitch all the time, but it's not my fault. 

Maybe if you worked a little harder and showed a little extra effort, maybe people would want to hire you. Maybe if you got along with people who you have no choice in working with, maybe they'd want to hire you. Maybe if you shut up long enough to do your job EFFICIENTLY, maybe they'd want to hire you.

I'm sorry, but it seems like you think that you're better than me, better than the other employees, and better than the management the way you talk yourself up. You're not hot shit, you must have embellished a LOTtle bit. You look like everyone else here - no better. I get that if you can't show up to work for a family thing, it's not your fault. But maybe don't have such an attitude about it when you get back to work. Maybe try NOT talking about the bosses behind their backs when they will hear about it from that same person, and you know they will.

It's like some people just assume they're entitled to certain things because of [insert reason here]. Unless you are a prince/princess, you are entitled to nothing unless you work for it on your own. People have to work, you have to work, you are the same as other people in this situation.

Ugh.

Organizing FIEND!

Usually the weekends are when I sleep until 12pm because, well, I can. But today my cat woke me up at 11 wondering why I was still sleeping and then my mom texted me at 11:15 so I bit the bullet and got up. I wasn't really able to fall back asleep anyway, so what could it hurt?

I got up, had breakfast for lunch, and decided I was just going to spend the extra time I had finishing my dishes that needed to be washed. See, I tried creating Tidy Tuesday, but it didn't go over so well. Anywho, I did most of the dishes (I have a few pots and a pan left over plus a few glasses) and decided to sweep my floor. My cats get litter EVERY.WHERE. so I did that. Then I decided to mop and after that was all done, I still had enough time to sit outside (in 90 degree weather) and plant my calla lilies.

Tomorrow, I'm going to church with my mom because she is singing and asked me to come. So I'll be awake, and I feel like, after we have lunch, I could still have enough time to start getting my porch organized. I'm hosting my first party - my grandma's birthday party - and that is where I have room to seat everyone.

So I am providing the cake and ice cream, plus the place, and I was thinking it'd be nice to just have some happy birthday plates and napkins plus some disposable forks/spoons. I really hate dishes. I also thought, because my brother doesn't really like cake and my boyfriend is on his P90X diet, that maybe I could make a little healthy snack, like a fruit bowl plus some extra frosting for dipping and some graham crackers as well. My family has this thing about making sandwich cookies out of graham crackers and frosting. I wanted to decorate the porch with a light bulb garland and put little flowers inside... But I have no little flowers :( OOH It might be cool to use those make-your-own-ornament bulbs and put some marbles in them. That'd be pretty! The only thing I need now is that double fan to pull the a/c to the porch. 

I'm Just Tired

I feel like, when I don't eat enough vegetables and I eat too many sweets, it hurts. Like, I am (probably) able to just full-on pass out right now in a bed. I ate way too much today in general, but I didn't have a lot of vegetables today. I also know that I didn't really get a nap in before it was time to go to Red Lobster - maybe 30 minutes - so obviously that may be a factor as well.

I woke up at 5am because I had to pee. I went back to bed and the alarm went off at 6:15am so I could be up to let the other lady in at 7am. I went home, wasn't tired, so I put on Food Network and watched almost a full hour of TV before I tried to sleep at 8:45am. Then, I spent at least 20 minutes trying to get comfortable [9:05am] and my alarm went off at 9:30am and again at 9:45am.

It's strange to me that when I have a dream and then my alarm goes off, I feel so much more tired than if I wasn't really dreaming and the alarm goes off. I know you dream in REM sleep, but I hate how sleepy I am afterwards!

I Miss Everything!

Since I've been working 7 days a week for the last 3.5 months, I miss out on everything and it really sucks. My only saving grace is that I still get to see my boyfriend but those times have been diminished as well.

I can't see my family. I mean, I see them, but I can't just go and visit. They have to come to me because with all the things I need to get done at my home, I can't take the time away and drive a few minutes to visit.

I can't see my best friend. I haven't seen her since last month on her daughter's birthday party! We used to have a routine down where I would get to see her every week and see her daughter grow up. Now I feel like a total outsider. I haven't had a call or text from her in that long as well...

I have no time to exercise. Well, truth is I do, but it's that or sleep. When you're me, sleep wins over everything - I'm not even sorry about it. I liked to have 4 days off where I could just go outside on a walk... With my best friend...

All I do is work. I hate it. I wish that I could just quit CK. I really do. Nobody there is worth staying for.

My grandma said something to me today that freaked me out, though. I was telling her about how CK wanted to hire me and she said that I could quit CPH, and I told her that I couldn't because CK doesn't give me enough money to even survive on. She then said to me that I don't know if [CPH] is going to always be there. So I'm not sure what to make of that. I don't think I've done anything wrong that would entitle her to fire me, and I love the ladies and they love me - she tells me that all the time. So I just don't know what that means and if I should shluff it off or if I need to be worried about it.

Meh. I want a nap.